Chuck Norris in Equestria
by Rallag
Summary: A pitifull parody by yours truly, rated T to be safe.  Not a trollfic


Lord of the ponies: Return to Sender

_A/N I own nothing._

'Twas the night before Coltmas, and all things were quiet. That was of course, until an inter-dimensional hoe ripped apart the very fabric of time and space. A human materialised through the space-time hole, butt naked. 'Twas also Kim Jung-Il's birthday, so a double rainbow could be seen, all across the sky. Then a voice boomed from the heavens, "I approve of this cliché" and suddenly all the pain and death was vanquished from the world, for it was the time of Chuck Norris's second coming. Amen.

The man with the fist beard stood tall, proud of his naked form. Looking around, he wondered how simply yawning could have ripped asunder the very fabric of the universe. He shrugged, and with a shrug and a "meh" that echoed through the valleys and shook the mountains, he set off towards a distant village, with smoke sifting lazily from the many chimneys. Or rather, he stood still and village moved towards him.

Upon the village arriving at him, Chuck took a look around , and what he saw did not please him. "The late 17th century building style I do not approve of, so let it be changed." And since his mighty word was law, the buildings changed in a flash of light to a more contemporary early Byzantine era form of architecture. This was far more suited to his classical tastes, so Mr Norris was pleased. It wasn't so pleasing for the ponies however, as their wooden dwellings were transformed into more fire retardant stone ones and one lavender pony was particularly peeved that her beloved books had all been turned into scrolls. In ancient Greek.

Taking a stroll through town at a leisurely pace (known as supersonic to humans and ponies) the Norris seemed nonplussed by the fact that he was surrounded by talking, multi-coloured ponies. It was just a usual day for him, and this dimension wasn't so different to all the other dimensions he visited regularly. Said ponies however, did not fare so well The majority fainting when confronted with the image of a strange naked man flying throughout their fair municipality, the rest mentally scarred, a flying god with the wind flapping his holy genitals falling under the mind category "cannot unsee."

Calling together a meeting of the 6 elements of harmony in the overgrown tree/library, a still fuming Twilight Sparkle began a rant that would echo throughout the ages, calling our holiness such crass terms as "hairless two legged f**k face" and "beard for brains" and worst of all "an overused excuse for a meme that became un-funny in the late 90s!" "Now calm down sugar, ahm sure he's just here temporarily" came the voice of Applejack, but was completely ignored by twilight, pulling her mane out while continuing her heretical rant. "Temporarily? Because of him, I have to learn ancient Greek! AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE ANY BOOKS ON ANCIENT GREEK! And even if I did, I couldn't read them because THEY'RE IN ANCIENT GREEK!" Ears still ringing, the Pegasus Fluttershy emerged from the potted plant she was hiding in. "Y-you could ju-just ask him to leave" she quietly suggested. The subdued unicorn began pacing back and forth across the room, muttering to herself "Okay twilight, think rationally here, now what would Princess Celestia do?" "I say we just kick him back to wherever he/she came from, like this!" Came the voice of the brash Pegasus Rainbow Dash, demonstrating said action on thin air, unfortunately making painful contact with the wall in the process. "Owww"

"I know what to do." Everypony turned to the door, Doctor trotted in swiftly " He is an ancient, powerful enemy of mine, known as Chuck Norris and there is only one known way to defeat him." "How?" everypony asked. "No time to explain, Twilight, fetch me two thousand dollars, several film cameras and my portal gun" Disappearing into her hidden basement momentarily, Twilight returned with the requested items. " Now everypony outside," –pause for dramatic effect "we have martial artist superhero/god to find and expel from this dimension!"

Chuck Norris hovered in mid-air, deep in meditation. Cowering ponies surrounded him, some fanning him, some bringing him tequilas and some giving him beard massages. "Hmmm ahhh yess, right there…ohhh that's the spot" Chuck moaned in his voice, deeper than the ocean itself, as he directed the trembling pony to the g-spot on his beard. His blissful meditation was cut short however, as a large red stallion approached him. Showing no fear, Big Macintosh looked into the eyes of Chuck himself. He saw two endless pits of spiritual dominance, martial arts mastery and right wing political views. "Who dares approach me? The mighty Chuck Norris, master of Chun Kuk Do and harbinger of the end times?" Suddenly nervous, Big Macintosh started hoofing out circles in the dirt below him. "Uhh I was just wondering..what right do you have to go around treatin' everypony like a slave?" Chuck Norris chuckled darky, and with a click of his fingers the stallion was reduced to a pile of dust, before he could even say "eeyup". "Anyone else feel like a little, disagreement?" The other ponies shook their heads vigorously, and got back to attending to the mighty Norris's every whim.

"Mr Norris, we have a business proposition for you!" Opening half an eyelid, half man all god Chuck spied 6 ponies, all carrying camera equipment. "What is that then, and hurry up, I haven't got all day." One of the ponies in a cowboy hat spoke up "Beggin' your pardon Mr Norris, but we're here representing the Equestrian republican party, and we were just wondering if you could partake in our latest propaganda campaign. For say….two thousand dollars?" "Hmmm" Chuck mused, stroking the immeasurable expanse of his beard. _Seems legit, she has a southern accent. _"Well sure, anything to help out my favourite end of the political spectrum." "That's great then, all you have to is walk slowly towards the camera, talking about how much you hate gays and liberals."

"What wrong with equestrian today, when gays are allowed to serve openly in the military, our children aren't allowed to pray in schools? I promise on behalf of the republican party, we will end Celestia's war on religion…" "Now doctor!" Twilight shouted, and the doctor in question leapt out from behind a building, switched the portal gun to 'Inter dimensional travel' and fired it at Chuck Norris's feet. The Norris fell through the conveniently placed portal and travelled through space and time for the second time today, all the while saying "Curse you Doctor Whoovessss!" "Well I'm glad that nasty business is over with" Rarity voiced everypony's thoughts. "You can say that again." Giggled Twilight.

"Hey what did I miss?" Exclaimed Spike, the baby dragon looking from the inter dimensional portal in the floor too Big Macintosh's ashes nearby. The whole square fell into laughter, and the Doctor just shook his head, smirking. "And this is why this is my favourite alternate universe.." "What?" Said Twilight. "Never you mind" he chuckled softly "Never you mind.."

The mirth of ponies was short-lived, however, for Mr Cake, relived to have stopped fetching tequilas, turned to his wife "Well, I wasn't expecting that!" Then suddenly, a loud synthesizer sound was heard, usually reserved for when the monster appeared in horror movies and the inter-dimensional portal glowed, spewing forth three men, dressed all in red. "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!"

_A/N Not meant as a political rant, I'm sorry if it came out that way, all political references were purely for teh lulz. By the way, exchange rate for references:cookies is 1:1, so whomever can name the references shall earn 3 cookies, no more, no less. Three shall be the number of cookies, and the numbers of the cookies shalt be three. Four shall be too many cookies, and neither shall ye receive two, excluding that you then go onto receive three._


End file.
